The young Vicar got shirty with Gertie

For her language was frequently flirty

He fell to his knees

As quick as you please

And prayed she’d be transferred by 10.30.

The Professor said something profound

Monstrous intake of breath all around

She’d been thinking so hard long into the night

How her students’ great gifts might quickly take flight

Then mass grief was the critical sound.

He was an offensive fool from near Bude
Who enjoyed being quite shockingly rude
Last night he came one hell of a cropper
Hurling light ale at a furious copper
Since when sharing a cell with a nude.


There once was a grand hero of ours
Whose history’s a garland of flowers
For Nelson delivered one hell of a hammer
That made the French tremble, shudder and stammer
Making Britain the greatest of powers.


There once was a girl from Madrid
From whom all secrets were hid
She thought New Malden was north of the Mersey
And Gibraltar somewhat closer to Jersey
Which stretched even the patience of Syd!


Well, it happened quite a lot
Not that our rulers cared a jot
That the common man fell lifeless in the futile, screaming battle
When millions jigged to the rhythm of a bloody Spandau prattle
And our countries blindly went to pot.



By the light of the pale silver moon
I saw it was just after noon
When up popped a general keen to go over the top
Being the only one willing from such a large crop
But I awoke from the dream too soon.



Pom pom di di pom, pom pom di di pom
We’re marching to the Somme, di di pom
There’s a million of us going
Our hearts are overflowing
Deflowered and devoured at the Somme.



They couldn’t miss the delicious miss
When she fizzingly spat with a hiss
“Gerroff my case an’ leave me alone
I’ve told you before you can’t have my phone
Shove off, an’ leave me in bliss”.



So hugely ambitious was Claude
He felt Maude he couldn’t afford
So he spoke to her father
Provoking one stinking palaver
As he confessed he wasn’t insured.



He felt that while he was able
He should continue to visit the stable
For there he would meet
And lovingly greet
A fabulous fancy called Mabel.



There once was a girl called Consuela
Who expected to marry a sailor
But when he examined the cut of her jib
He saw she’d invented a peach of a fib
So she flounced off and married a tailor.



The moon was dramatically rising
Which in itself is rather surprising
When the deep sea diver
Soaked Lady Godiva
And copped a wicked chastising.

It’s not that he’d done anything rude
For he liked to please a good nude
But as she’d had a fine drenching
She accused him of wenching
He sobbed as she was horribly lewd.



The girl with her sweet mandolin
Faintly heard from somewhere within
When the Count soft approached her
And deftly encroached her
She made one helluva din.


She’d proclaimed that her name was Lucia
Making sure the young men could see her
By adjusting the tilt of her elegant wig
Then squeezing the straps of the rest of her rig
You could see that her gender’s unclear!


The dim recruit was remarkably tall
With a brain quite remarkably small
When he’d spotted the Bishop consulting an actress
It confused him no end when they ordered a mattress
As they’d sniggered about having a Ball.


There once was a fine Greek called Euclid
Whose slick mind was mathematically lucid
On completing the search for his soulmate of choice
He ventured to screech at the top of his voice
‘I’m thrilled to announce that it’s you, Sid!’


There once was a maestro called Klopp
Who came, saw and conquered the Kop
He promised us trophies and many surprises
Thunderous occasions and glittering prizes
To strive and never to stop.


I once knew a most noble Venetian
Whose honour was above suspicion
Until he performed on a gondola moored
With the wife of Senator Luigi aboard
Since when he’s pretended contrition.


I’ve struggled to reach Kilrenny
While desperate to spend a penny
Cross-legged contortions
Strained the body’s proportions
And gave one hell of a shock to poor Jenny!


There once was a Count of Belgrade
Who appeared remarkably staid
Until, after whisky
Undressed and right frisky
The housemaids were acutely afraid.


There once was a chef known as Luca
Who fell out of love with his cooker
When his lamb shanks and risotto burnt to a frazzle
He spotted his menus had lost most of their dazzle
So slipped off to the pub to play snooker.


There once was a Kaiser called Bill
Whose brain box was over the hill
When he thought he could fight in his undies and vest
He was in for a fright when he was put to the test
As he ended up catching a chill.


There once was a crèche of royal cousins
Whose joint IQs scored only in dozens
When they preened and panted for all-out war
They found that the generals couldn’t keep score
As the dead on all sides counted in millions.


There once was a flying hyena
Who hoped that no one had seen her
When flying outside on a wild, windy night
Her nightdress billowed and gave her a fright
Revealing her strange misdemeanour.