She’d proclaimed that her name was Lucia
Making sure the young men could see her
By adjusting the tilt of her elegant wig
Then squeezing the straps of the rest of her rig
You could see that her gender’s unclear!
The dim recruit was remarkably tall
With a brain quite remarkably small
When he’d spotted the Bishop consulting an actress
It confused him no end when they ordered a mattress
As they’d sniggered about having a Ball.
There once was a fine Greek called Euclid
Whose slick mind was mathematically lucid
On completing the search for his soulmate of choice
He ventured to screech at the top of his voice
‘I’m thrilled to announce that it’s you, Sid!’
There once was a maestro called Klopp
Who came, saw and conquered the Kop
He promised us trophies and many surprises
Thunderous occasions and glittering prizes
To strive and never to stop.
I once knew a most noble Venetian
Whose honour was above suspicion
Until he performed on a gondola moored
With the wife of Senator Luigi aboard
Since when he’s pretended contrition.
I’ve struggled to reach Kilrenny
While desperate to spend a penny
Cross-legged contortions
Strained the body’s proportions
And gave one hell of a shock to poor Jenny!
There once was a Count of Belgrade
Who appeared remarkably staid
Until, after whisky
Undressed and right frisky
The housemaids were acutely afraid.
There once was a chef known as Luca
Who fell out of love with his cooker
When his lamb shanks and risotto burnt to a frazzle
He spotted his menus had lost most of their dazzle
So slipped off to the pub to play snooker.
There once was a Kaiser called Bill
Whose brain box was over the hill
When he thought he could fight in his undies and vest
He was in for a fright when he was put to the test
As he ended up catching a chill.
There once was a crèche of royal cousins
Whose joint IQs scored only in dozens
When they preened and panted for all-out war
They found that the generals couldn’t keep score
As the dead on all sides counted in millions.
There once was a flying hyena
Who hoped that no one had seen her
When flying outside on a wild, windy night
Her nightdress billowed and gave her a fright
Revealing her strange misdemeanour.
There once was a young gentleman trapezer
Whose secret love was The Daring Louisa
When she flashily flew one hundred feet high
Her sequins and tights were a treat for his eye
So Macca took many a risk trying to please her.
Came the night they performed in Stockholm City
Young Louisa and Macca were feeling quite gritty
As they took to the height of the highest stand
For a dazzling flight that would meet hand to hand
But he missed and hit the net more’s the pity.
Hot tears flecked her costume with burning mascara
As she shinned down the rope so far but no farther
Then leaping across the swaying net
She landed on top of her winded pet
Crying gladly she untangled her dazed McNamara.
With his head tightly squeezed through the safety ropes
Her frantic demeanour rekindled longstanding hopes
That perhaps she yet loved him and saw him as hers
As she dusted him down and made running repairs
Their star-spangled courtship trumps those of the Soaps.
Love blossomed aloft for our vaulting high fliers
The Big Top roared approval and also Town Criers
As Louisa and Macca clasped love to their hearts
And laughed as they tumbled in stops and starts
For love conquers all and applauds the bravest of triers.
Although not strictly a Limerick, the poem is written in the Limerick form.
There once was a young teacher of Drama
Whose actor boyfriend would often alarm her
As while only an extra he could handle his spear
But she yearned for the night he would just disappear
For the male star had found a way to quite charm her.
There once was a girl, Cinderella
Who tripped over her Aunt’s umbrella
She copped a prong up her nose
Which hurt, you’d suppose
For it stopped her cleaning the cellar.
There once was a nurse called Freda
Who turned into a bit of a bleeder
When she pulled out the syringe
Sprayed blood made everyone cringe
So no one bleedin’ needed her!
There once was a Pantomime Dame
Whose huge knickers attracted great fame
When flashing these incredible drawers
She could count on manic applause
For the Panto was stunningly tame.
There once was an artist delightful
Whose character never was spiteful
He resembled Van Gogh
With one helluva cough
Making all of his paintings quite frightful.
There once was a flash paparazzi
So charmless he never said “Grazzi”
When he snapped the wrong dude
And was so foolishly rude
He shipped a sharp slap; what a patsy!
There once was a sweet ballerina
Who was loved by all who had seen her
When she leapt up on her toes
There came a rent in her hose
As she snagged on the band’s concertina.
There once was a witch of Tarporley
Who became unfortunately poorly
When mounting her broom
She soon made sonic boom
But smashingly crashed near Chorley.
There once was a leopard called Flick
Trained to perform an unusual trick
He could stand on his tail
Downing pints of real ale
And sway there until he was sick.